I wrote this in February 2010, after another disappointing doctor’s visit. It wasn’t posted anywhere when I wrote it because it was still far too close to home.
The longest walk
The walk from the doctor’s office is always longer than the walk there. The walk to the doctor’s office is filled with hope and anticipation, and a thought that in a few moments life will change. Things will be better and problems will be solved. The walk away from the doctor is when she learns that things won’t be better and problems will remain the same. She was naive to ever think that things will be fine.
She is angry at herself because she is still alive. She has a fully mobile body, she is able to communicate and understand language, and she is able to perform every function of daily living independently. She is not being tortured or held hostage in a war-torn country; she is not lying in a hospital bed with a terminal illness. Life could be much worse and she is still lucky to even be here.
And yet, she wishes that things were just that little bit different. She has resentment for every woman whose body functions normally even though she knows that it is irrational and she shouldn’t feel that way. She just wishes she had what they have.
The worst thing is being told that there are no answers. The doctors do not have the answers; they themselves do not understand what is going on. The tests and the scans show everything as being normal. They tell her to be patient and wait, and she will do this, because she has no alternative. The patient has to be patient.
She hates it and thinks that it is unfair. Things should have stopped by now. They should have been fixed. Everything should have been fixed. But life is unfair and there are so many people worse off than her, and she gets angry all over again.
And that is what the walk away from every doctor’s office is like. Wondering how much more she has to take; wondering how much more she can take, and anger at herself for even thinking like this.
Wow. I haven’t read the rest of your blog (only your story). I also had/have Cushing’s and suffered stroke after my surgeries (2 pit surgeries 2 days apart). I had to have an angiogram and throbectomy due to the clots, however your stoke had more complications. I was minutes from dying, but so lucky not to have barely any physical ramifications other than a numb finger and teeth on my right side. I am still dealing with symptoms of Cushing’s and my latest tests show my levels up again…I’m doing more test next week but not hopeful that they will catch anything to fix…This entry sounds JUST LIKE I FEEL EVERY doctor visit. I totally feel for you.
By: Shashe on November 7, 2011
at 9:13 am